


Have You Ever Been In Love Like This Before?

by SophiexHorayne



Series: Jake And James [1]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Amy Santiago Loves Jake Peralta, Bisexual Jakes Peralta, Coming Out, Established Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, F/M, Hurt Jake Peralta, Jake is bi and literally no one could convince me otherwise ok, M/M, sort of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 20:55:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15871590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiexHorayne/pseuds/SophiexHorayne
Summary: Lying in bed in the evenings, watching dumb cat videos while Amy does the crossword in today’s newspaper has become a perfect routine for Jake Peralta.Until simple questions are asked and bring about complicated answers(Aka Jake comes out as bi and talks about the first time he was in love)





	Have You Ever Been In Love Like This Before?

Lying in bed in the evenings, watching dumb cat videos while Amy does the crossword in today’s newspaper has become a perfect routine that Jake has welcomed into his life as another wonderful reason to be married to Amy Santiago. It’s dark, besides the small lamp on Amy’s bedside, the gently lightens the room in a yellow glow.

When the videos grow boring he turns to look at her. The way she frowns as the newspaper, her mind trying to unscramble the clue. At first looking at Amy used to make his heart beat faster, and sometimes it does, but when he glances now it’s a gentle, smooth rhythm in his chest. He can feel his whole body relax around her. Like he’s home.

“I love you.” He says quietly, so as not to disturb the peace of the room. He watches as her lips twitch.

Then she glances over at him. “I love you too.”

A cat meows loudly on the video on his phone. He looks away from her and closes the video.

“Jake, have you, ever been this in love before?” She asks slowly.

Jake’s heart misses a single beat. Then he recovers. “Say what now?” Okay he _kind_ of recovered.

“Have you ever been in love like this before?” She repeats a little more confidently.

There’s a simple answer to Amy’s question. _Yes_. And then there’s the follow up questions that will not be at all simple to answer. He shrugs. Doesn’t look at her for a moment. This should have been a conversation had before the got engaged, before they became so serious. But he pushed it and pushed it away every time, somehow, until Amy forgot about it because it kind of hurts to think about. And it confuses him all the time. And it’s telling her things he’s told no one else.

“Why are you trying to make yourself jealous?” Jake asks eventually. But it’s barely a joke and it falls flat in the atmosphere between them.

“I was just wondering. You know about every ex I’ve ever had. But I barely know anything.”

He wants to argue. That she knows about Sophia, and the weird dead guy sex that he’s still trying to repress. But he doesn’t say that. He needs to be honest because the longer he pushes this away the bigger the whole he’d have dug. And he’s probably already close to the surface of Australia, with this hole.

“Okay, well, yeah, I think so.” He admits eventually. But he’s talking to the duvet, not his wife. _Wife._ That still sounds crazy in his mind, “I mean, it was a long time ago, like, last year of high school type thing.”

And that doesn’t sound like love. But it is. And lying here with Amy, feeling it almost entirely the same, he knows that whatever it was all those years ago, is totally in the _v v in love_ category.

“Oh? Who was she?” Amy presses, voice sort of teasing. But Jake knows she is desperate to know.

But his heart is kind of in his throat. “That’s the thing, Aims.” He finally glances at her. _God, why is this so hard?_ Rosa could even do this. But he can’t? He looks away. His fingers fiddle with the creases in the duvet. “It was a guy.”

He tries to make the words sound confident. But his voice cracks a little. He kind of can’t breathe. How Rosa was brave enough to tell her parents, to tell the whole precinct he will never know.

Because it was a guy. His best friend even. James. James was just about as immature and weird as he had been. Both obsessed with Die Hard. Both playing Crash Bandicoot together and any other video game out at the time. Rambling about becoming detectives, arguing who’d be Sherlock Holmes and who’d be Watson. James was perfect for him. The perfect friend he could ever have.

Until he kissed him. It’s not like he even meant to. But James was boasting about beating his high score _again_ in Crash Bandicoot. The two of them 17, shouting and laughing, Jake pushing the controller from James’ hand. Jake pushing James backwards onto the bed. They were just boys. James rolled them around. They weren’t even fighting anymore. They were laughing. Pushing at each other until Jake was back on top, holding James’ hands above his head. And he caught his breath slightly while he sat there, straddling his hips.

James was so close to him. Biting his lip to hold back a smile. His eyes, a shade of green Jake has never found anything to compare to, danced wildly about his face. Jake remembers forgetting how to breathe in that moment. So instead of working out how breathing works, he kissed James.

James didn’t push him away or anything. But, looking back, Jake knows that’s the worst thing about it all. The thing is Jake had kissed a couple of girls before (as in literally two) and it was okay but he wasn’t into either of them. And they’d been awkward. So James wasn’t his first kiss. But it was his longest kiss. And it was his best kiss. And the first kiss to mean something. Now, Jake still insists in his mind they kissed for 5 whole minutes without breathing.

When Jake pulled away James looked sort of scared. He was biting his lip again but not to hide a smile. He was just looking.

“Well that was cool.” Jake remarked eventually. Still lying a top of him.

James pushes him off slowly, so they’re lying next to each other. They were in James’ bedroom. So it’s James’ bed. Because Jake didn’t have cool games like Crash Bandicoot, or a PlayStation to play it on. And he was kind of embarrassed in his home, with his dad disappeared, still. He liked to sometimes pretend he lived with James and he never had to go home.

“It was cool right?” Jake checked after a moment of silence as James just stared at him. “Because otherwise, forget I ever said that and we can just go back to playing.”

“Okay, it was, kind of cool.” James said with a soft eye roll that made Jake’s heart ache, but in a nice sort of way. Like when you’ve eaten a satisfying amount of food and you’re no longer hungry.

“Oh.” Jake replied. He’s unsure what to do. James is finally smiling. “Cool, cool, so are we gonna-”

And then James kissed _him_.

 

For a while it was perfect. And also like nothing had entirely changed. They didn’t tell their other friends. Even though some classmates kept calling them gay. Even though Jake knew Richie had caught on, was eyeing the way James leant against his shoulder whenever he got the chance. They never told them. But most of them probably caught on. They didn’t tell their parents. They snuck kisses at school in unused corridors, by fire exits when no one was passing. Under the bleachers on the field (why else would anyone go onto a sport’s field? To play sports? Please.).

It was so wonderful that Jake didn’t really care about what it meant for a while. Until he was laying with James cuddled up next to him in an evening at James’ house. It was James who bought it up, lazily and half asleep.

“Because we’re two guys together does that make us boyfriend and boyfriend. Like, boyfriends.”

Jake frowned. He never even thought of that word before and James just used it three times and it left his mind feeling dizzy. “I guess?”

He watched James smile sleepily. Jake swore it had been the cutest thing he’d ever seen. “Just sounds kind of funny doesn’t it? It’s easier to say. We’re boyfriends. Instead of boyfriend and girlfriend, which is so many letters and long words.”

Jake laughed slightly, “Two long words.”

James shifted himself, so he could turn and properly face Jake. “You know what I mean.” He told him.

“Yeah.” And he just agreed because his mind was too loud to say anything else. Because as far as he knows, you’re either following the majority, and wanting girlfriends, OR you’re the minority, and wanting boyfriends. And there was no middle ground. You like boys _or_ you like girls and it was confusing. Because lying there with James’ head on his chest he knew he liked this boy, _a lot_. But he knew that he could like a girl like this too. And he wondered if that middle ground was even a thing. If there was a boys _and_ girls feeling too.

 

And he found it eventually. Bisexual, blinking at him on his slow and glitchy computer. And once he found it he closed the tab, deleted the search history and turned the computer off. And his mum called him for dinner before he could let it fully sink in. And the word bisexual swam around his head while he ate, and while he slept, and through all his classes the next day.

He told James and James didn’t care that much. Said he himself didn’t like girls like that and never could but was just as excited as Jake to know about the discovery. And they kissed. And James said I love you afterwards and Jake swore he stopped breathing for a good two minutes.

James rubbed their noses together while Jake was still frozen from the three words. He laughed softly near his lips.

“Jake. Come on, you can’t leave me on that.”

Jake took in a breath. And okay it can’t have really been that long because he doesn’t feel that empty of oxygen. “Cool.” He said eventually.

James laughed a little, “Hey Jake, my boyfriend of 7 months, I’m in love with you.” He mimics himself, “Oh, cool.” He mimics Jake with a weirdly low voice, which was just rude because, yes, Jake’s voice had finally started to break, but no, it was not that funny.

“I’m sorry I just, they’re big words.”

James stared at him, “The longest word there is 4 letters.”

“4 letter words are long words.”

Jake doesn’t know even know how James found him so funny, but he laughed at that too, “Jay.”

James is the only one that shortens his short name to that. Even today, no one has ever called him it. It’s James’ thing and he’s sure no one else will ever own the privilege of it, even Charles (or especially Charles, he’d overuse it until it’s lost all meaning entirely). The thing is James could call him Jay because Jake can look right back and call him the same thing.

It had always been a joke, how similar their names are. How so many teachers muddled them up even though it’s not _that_ hard. So, they called each other Jay. Sometimes Jake wonders if James ever let someone else call him that. Jake could never. But did James ever?

After James said his nickname, softly and fondly, and like the word was fragile and special, Jake had looked at him. Down at him leaning against his shoulder. He always thought he’d only say those three words when he meant it. Because his dad said them all the time and then would leave for 11 months and without even a call. So he had to mean them.

“I love you too.” He replied. He had to be certain and he was. Looking down at the way James’ light brown hair flops across his forehead, slightly long and in need of a trim, the way the greens of his eyes are impossible to describe, his lips, pink and soft and warm and _everything_. And just the way James says him name. He had been so certain.

 

And now, sitting beside Amy in their bed his chest aches. And he’s nervous because it’s been some moments since he said the words ‘it was a guy’ and Amy hasn’t said anything yet. And he hasn’t looked at her either. He lifts his head and looks at her. She looks sort of confused. Looking at Jake like she’s trying to solve a cryptic crossword.

“Oh.” She says eventually. But she still looks confused.

“I’m bi.” He manages through a lump in his throat and exhaustion in his chest. He’s looking at his fingers, picks at the skin around his nail mindlessly.

“Oh.” Amy says again.

Jake looks over at her once more. He hopes she’s not mad that he didn’t tell her sooner. He really doesn’t want her to be mad. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” He says hurriedly. Tears prickle in the corners of his eyes and he blinks them desperately away.

She shakes her head and smiles slightly, “It’s okay. Why didn’t you?”

Jake shrugs. “I haven’t told anyone. Except that guy, and like, one other guy that I went on one date with I just, I didn’t know _how_ to tell people. I never even told Gina, or Rosa, or my mum or any of my other friends I just… didn’t.”

After James he sort of felt like there was no point in telling anyone. Without James he felt sort of useless for a while. Lost. Him being bi was only apparent and a part of him when he was with James and when he was gone, he just, ignored it. James is still the only guy he has ever kissed. He only went on one date with on other boy after college. He thought it would be a good idea. A step to moving on from James. But there was no chemistry. And it was weird. Even though he’d been with a few girls at college, it was okay with them. And he could flirt and talk. But with this guy he found it stupid. Because he found himself comparing the guy’s hair colour to James’. And his eyes were grey blue not green and he felt stupid for thinking it.

So, he hasn’t seen another guy since. Which is fine. He barely dated at all until he got the job at the 99. And then he met Amy soon after and that was that.

He lets Amy process his words for a moment. And then she does something crazy. She puts the newspaper with the half-finished crossword down on the bedside table, rests the pen on top after putting the lid on it.

“You’re not gonna finish it?” Jake asked, shock layered in his tone. He’s never known Amy to put the paper down without completing it.

“Jake.” Amy shuffles closer to him, takes one of his hands into her own. “Thank you for telling me.”

He smiles a little. Squeezes her hand. He feels strangely lighter now. Like he’s no hidden secrets anymore.

“So who was he?” Amy asks eventually, looking up at him with a small, teasing kind of smile.

“Well… his name was James. And he was my best friend.”

 

They were together for a little over a year. But it felt like longer because they’d know each other since they were in kindergarten. And they’d been friends forever so it’s not clear how long they were in love. Because after they got together Jake found himself over thinking all the times their legs brushed under the table when they ate over the previous years. And he thought about all those times he caught glances of him when they were on the playstation, and how many times he’d lost because he’d been watching the way James shifted his body and leant closer to the screen. And all those nights waking up dizzy and sweaty, spit-spots of dreams floating around his brain that made him confused.

So the summer before college, in a dizzying heat and a glaring blue sky, he felt it had been longer than a year being James’ boyfriend. It felt like James was his forever and nothing could stop that- even college. Even when James admits softly while they lie in a hammock in James’ back garden, that he was going to study in a state across the country. Like the entire opposite end from New York.

He hadn’t understood where the conversation was going. Things between them were so good. James’ house was just a house but when they were together in James’ bedroom it became home. And out on the hammock, opposite ends with legs intertwined in the middle. He was home. So he didn’t expect it to end.

“Cool. Cool, half way across the country that’s fine, we can make it work. There’s phones now. And email.” It would be fine because James was his everything and he’d never stop feeling that way.

“No, Jake, I…”

Jake’s full name on James tongue sounded almost foreign to him by then, so used to hearing _Jay_ spoken softly and gently. It caught Jake off guard, hearing his actual name, and his heart missed a worried beat. James couldn’t even look at him. He looked upset. His fringe had grown long again, and it shielded his eyes slightly, but his lips were pressed together thinly. And Jake could tell he wasn’t happy. He sighed. Looked over at him.

“We should break up.” He said eventually.

Jake remembers how he felt blood ringing in his ears (and he’s aware it’s two different sayings mixed together but that’s how he felt). His heart sank. The world felt suddenly cold. Suddenly dark.

“What? Why? Are you pranking me? Cause it’s not funny, Jay.” His voice cracked at the nickname. He sat up in the hammock and it swayed a little. He nearly lost his balance.

“Why would I joke about this?” There’s a tear on James’ face. “I love that college, Jake. And we have all our lives ahead of us we can’t, we can’t tie ourselves down with us.”

Jake swallowed. He had wanted to move towards him, but he was afraid to overturn the hammock. “But we’re so good, Jay.” He refused to drop the nickname. Even though his heart hammered each time he said it. It didn’t feel real anymore. “We can have us _and_ our futures. We’d be amazing.”

“We’re seventeen, Jake.” James sits up too. He doesn’t even cause a slight stir in the hammock. “Jay, I love you, but, I don’t want to one day not love you. I don’t want us to build our careers, and struggle to juggle us and college and everything because it won’t work. And when it won’t work we won’t be happy. And our break up will be remembered along with fights and saying things we don’t mean and not being in love and I don’t want that for us. But it would happen. I want to be with you forever but in a few years’ time that could change. And we’d be different people and _we_ wouldn’t be special anymore. I want us to say goodbye on a happy ending. Where nothing went wrong and we’re happy. And yes, god, I’ll miss you, but we’ll have this perfect memory of us and we won’t have ruined it.”

Jake felt like this already ruined it. That maybe they’re young, but high school sweethearts end up together. Right? All the movies end like that. Why couldn’t they have that?

“James I-”

James shook his head, “I’m sorry, alright. But we can’t do this forever. Like we say we want to now, but after a few years in college we’ll be sick of pretending we still have something and it will suck.” James took his hands, squeezed them tightly, “I love you. I do but we have to say goodbye, Jake.”

Jake was weak. And aching and breaking. And he hadn’t energy or strength to argue. To fight for them. Instead he just agreed. One last time he squeezed James’ fingers. Then he let go. With difficulty, he scrambled off of the hammock.

“Bye.”

He stood there for more than a moment. Just looking at James who brushed his fringe from his eyes to look at him too. He wanted to remember him. Like that and then walk away and accept, somehow, never seeing him again. James stood from the hammock, it swung wildly when his body weight left it. He walked over, cupped Jake’s face in his hands for the last time. They never did this when in the garden. Never did boyfriendy things in case James’ mum or dad was watching from the window. But neither cared that day, and Jake pressed their foreheads together, closed his eyes because he’d have cried if he opened them.

James kissed him gently. They just stand there, frozen, lips touching but not moving. Then James pulled away. Jake opened his eyes to meet the greens in James’. They shone with tears just like his own, and James’ whole face blurred as tears surfaced. He blinked them away and just let them slide down his cheeks. James’ fingers, still on his face wiped them away.

“I love you.” James said, “But we have to do this okay?”

Jake couldn’t speak so he just nodded. And he wanted to say I love you back but the bitterness in his chest is telling him it’s pointless to do so. He stepped away from James wordlessly. His heart had been hammering and he still cannot forget the way it had felt. Like someone was punching and punching at his chest with no mercy. James watched him walk away and did nothing. He left through James’ side gate to avoid his mum who’d ask him to stay for tea. It’s the last time he heard the familiar clink of metal as the gate swung itself shut.

When he got home he couldn’t accept never seeing him again. He cried and cried into his pillow. And he must’ve fallen asleep before dinner because he never heard his mother call him. And he woke up under the duvet with early morning sun streaming in the windows.

And it was the first day without seeing James. And despite Jake’s misery, it didn’t even rain that day. Or the next.

 

When he’s finished telling it all to Amy he’s crying. Like when his dad left, he tried to never think about the whole thing. Tried not to dwell on their last kiss and the way James’ eyes seemed a different colour of green when glistening with tears. And to recall it all aloud to someone else is hard. And he aches and aches when he’s finished like all the hurt is flooding back. He remembered exactly how he felt that day when he whispered ‘bye’ while clutching James’ hands a final time. He remembers the feeling that his heart was being strangled. Or that he were being held under water and his lungs were congested with water and he couldn’t breathe until he cried all the water away into his pillow. He can remember the feeling so well and it sort of comes back, only in a soft and numbed sort of way.

Amy cuddles him against her. And Jake’s nose brushes her cheek and he can feel the world gently steady. With her. He may always have a small, ache in a little part of his heart for James. But it’s mostly buried by the way Amy threads her fingers comfortingly through his hair, the way she kisses his forehead, the fact she set aside her daily crossword puzzle to comfort him.

“I love you.” She tells him.

Lightly, he smiles against her shoulder. “I love you too.” He says.

He thought he’d never mean it again, after James left. And it took so long to believe he _could_ mean it again. And it’s sort of easy to mean it now. With Amy as she stops running fingers through his hair, sits up a little.

“But I’m still finishing that crossword before bed.” She says.

Jake grins, cuddles back into her side once she’s got the newspaper back in her hands. He closes his eyes as she finishes the crossword. And somehow, it feels easier to breathe now, and it’s easier to fall asleep beside her when she finally puts the paper down and turns off the lamp.

And even though the room is darker without the lamp on, Jake feels lighter than he has in so long.

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo, this is my first b99 fic but I doubt it'll be the last bc I love these characters so much. I may add another part to this too so it's like part of a series thing but yeah, hope you enjoyed this,
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments, they mean a lot xxxxxx


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